It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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