he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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