So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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