Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize