I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
