He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
