I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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