When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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