I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize