Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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