"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
