We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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