her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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