I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
