I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
