Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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