CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
