My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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