I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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