I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
