i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
