i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
