I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
