It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
