do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
please don't ironically join a cult
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