I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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