I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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