If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I AM VODKA MAN
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize