dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
