Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
