Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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