Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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