nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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