I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
