You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
