i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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