I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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