you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize