My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
