Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
