i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is Oprah even human
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
