thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize