So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
