Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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