Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
