She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
