Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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