I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
