I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
