I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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