my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
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