if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
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