and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
even my farts smell like vagina
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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