My sheets look like a crime scene.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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