yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
