the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize