i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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